09/21/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"


The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old "Field Marine."  He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it.  He would go through the chow line just like a private.  (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received.  And, woe be to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity".)  Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform.

Now, the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines.  But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.  During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D. C.) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.  At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested, blue haired
lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests.  When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration.  She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.  She made a "beeline" for the closest lance corporal.

As she drew near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"  The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest."   His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.  The fancy lady was taken back! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open.  So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard.  In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"  The Marine snapped back to the position "attention" (like the arm of a mouse trap smacking its wooden base as it is tripped).  Then he said, "I don't eat that shit Ma'am."   And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went.  This time, there was no doubt.  The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted.  After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life).   And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!  She exclaimed, "Well I never...!"  The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was over all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier.

She spotted General Gray from across the room.  He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand.  He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd lieutenants.  The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there.  And, do you know what he told me?"  General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."   The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation.  As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said, I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!"   The lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux.   A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected.  The next thought most of them had, was "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the color left their faces.  General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm."

"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General.", the woman said with smug satisfaction.  One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put
a hand on the wall for support.  General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow.  Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.  He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck 'im!  Don't give him any."

09/21/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Subject: A View On The Detainees Situation!

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a Taliban taken captive during the Afghanistan war..

Attached is an example of the administration's new standard  reply.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our  treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at  Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion  was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK, for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have  decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards  you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant  caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly  recommended in your letter.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons,  assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should  help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of  body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's  cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is a sociopath and  extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere  cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you  plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand  combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices  from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your  sons - have available for their use several copies of the Koran.

Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially  cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they  aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to  do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business  soon, just to help you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your  business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a  valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching!

Cordially, GWB

08/13/2003  Thanks to Mr. Gough

The old American arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport. 

"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically. 

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before. 

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official. 

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport. 

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France." 

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there was no Damned Frenchman on the beach. 

07/29/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible.  After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself.  So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.   Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers.  "Ahhh," he said in relief.  Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you.  Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman.  "It's the French Embassy."

07/12/2003  Thanks to T-Bone

Two Taliban's are chatting.  One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.  "This is my oldest son.  He's a martyr.   Here's my second son.  He's a martyr, too."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Taliban wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

06/05/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Another true story of an officer in the naval reserve.  A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, this officer found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.  The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.  He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

04/28/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

A woman bought a new Lexus, and returned it the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work.  The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" 

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs.

One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, But she swerved in time to avoid him.  "ASSHOLE!" she yelled..... and The French National Anthem began to play.

04/27/2003  Thanks to Jeff and Janet

Five reliably Anglo-Saxon surgeons, for example, were discussing their bloody trade.

"I prefer to operate on accountants," said the first.  "All the parts inside are neatly numbered."

"Not at all," said the second, "the best patients are the electricians.  Their organs are color-coded."

The third surgeon set out his preference for librarians: "Everything inside, you see, is arranged alphabetically.  There's no mistaking anything."

The fourth surgeon made his case for construction workers. "They're very understanding if you have a few parts left over after the surgery, and they understand if you don't finish when you promised."

The last surgeon, whose wisdom and experience were belied by a fine shock of white hair, shook his head.  "No, no," he said.  "The French are the easiest patients of all.   Everything is very simple and there's never a mess to clean up.  There's no guts, no heart, no testicles, and no spine.  Not only that, the head and the butt are completely interchangeable."

04/24/2003  Thanks to "Foos Ball"

News is in that the Taliban are extremely offended by being called "towel heads".  We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads.   They wear sheets.

In the future please call them "sheet heads".

04/23/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road.  They killed it instantly.

Saddam tells his driver, "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What appen to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered, "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

04/22/2003  Thanks to Mom

Robin Williams' plan . . . (Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace, but I have not heard of a plan for peace.  So, here's one plan:

1)  The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present.  We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2)  We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines.  They don't want us there.  We would station troops at our borders.  No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3)  All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.  We'll give them a free trip home.  After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.  France would welcome them.

4)  All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit.  No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in.  If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here.  Asylum would not ever be available to anyone.  We don't need any more cab drivers.

5)  No "students" over age 21.  The older ones are the bombers.   If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6)  The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise.  This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.  The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7)  Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.  If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8)  If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere".  They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement, or whatever they need.  Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army.  The people who need it most get very little, anyway.

9)  Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place.  We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.  Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

9b)  Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.

10)  All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.  That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'   She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a
piece of me?'"

- Robin Williams

04/21/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside.

“Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he replies.

“How can you tell?” asks his friend.

“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this guy yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’”

04/12/2003  Thanks to "Foos Ball"

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end tostatements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France.    Indeed,our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.   The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

04/07/2003  Thanks to Toby

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.  The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In France, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France.

04/07/2003  Thanks to "Foos Ball"

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news!"

"The good news is Saddam is still alive."

"The bad news is he lost an arm."

04/07/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.  They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves.  They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.   After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.   It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.  Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.   When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its' mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of Osama's dog at all.  Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, we don't understand how this could have happened.  We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

That's nothing,", said Bush.  "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."


04/07/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"


An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.  The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."  The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.  The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

04/04/2003  Thanks to Melvin

From a Romanian newspaper:

We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the USA.  Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper.  The article was written by Mr.  Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title "C"ntarea Americii" (meaning "Ode To America") on September 24, 2002 in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentul zilei("The Daily Event" or "News of the Day").

~An Ode to America~

Why are Americans so united?  They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color!  They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.

Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart.  Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army, and the secret services that they are only a bunch of losers.
Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts.  Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.  The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.

After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag.  They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.  On every occasion they started singing their traditional song:  "God Bless America!"

I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours, listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds thousands of people.

How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?  Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes.  And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put in a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy.

What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way?  Their land?  Their galloping history?  Their economic Power?  Money?  I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace.

I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion:  Only freedom can work such miracles!

03/30/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Quote of the Day.....

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

03/21/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq?   They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash?   We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things.  For crying out loud!  Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper.  Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.  Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.  Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters.

They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.  They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.  A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.  By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes.  And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"  And God help him if he tried to lie to her.  She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

Whap!  Thump!  Whap!  Whap!  Whap!  And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad.  He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.

Inspectors my foot... You want the job done?  Call my mother.


03/19/2003  Thanks to Toby

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.

So, next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all North American women are asked to walk out of their homes completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this national anti-terrorist effort.

All men are requested to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove they are not Taliban and to show support for their fellow sisters.

Since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack of beer at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation.

God bless America!

03/18/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

The Salute: Our President

Have you noticed a difference in the salute given by our military men and women as President Bush walks by?  Most folks would not notice anything, but, those of us who have served in the military see it right away.  Next time, watch:  When President Bush leaves his helicopter or Air Force One, the honor guards salute and face him as he disembarks, then turn their faces towards him as he passes by.  They continue to salute his back as he walks away.

This kind of salute has not been seen in the previous eight years, though it is customary courtesy to the Commander-in-Chief.  You see, soldiers aren't required to turn and face the President as they salute.  They are not required to salute his back.  They are only required to salute.

They can remain face-forward the entire time.  And that is what they did during the previous administration.  Our soldiers were forced to obey his orders, but, they were not forced to respect him.  From their salutes we can surmise that they did not.

Why is such respect afforded to President Bush?  He doesn't even know how to bite his lower lip and not get teary-eyed whenever he speaks!  The following incident from Major General Van Antwerp may give us an insight.  Gen. Antwerp is president of the Officer's Christian Fellowship.  He lost nearly all his staff when the Pentagon was attacked Sept. 11.  His executive officer, LTC Brian Birdwell was badly burned and in the hospital when President Bush visited him.  Our President spent time and prayed with Brian.  As he was getting ready to leave, he went to the foot of Brian's bed and saluted.  He held his salute until Brian was able to raise his burned and bandaged arm, ever so slowly, in return.  The Commander-in-Chief almost never initiates a salute, except in the case of a Congressional Medal of Honor winner.  The injured soldier did not have to return the salute.  But he did out of respect to his President...a soldiers' President.

Congressman JC Watts (R. Oklahoma) said, "Character is doing the right thing when nobody is looking," (My favorite quote of all time).  The nation and world learned some of what our last President did when nobody was looking.  That President has been disbarred.  The worst disgrace (other than imprisonment) to a lawyer.   CNN will have a difficult time shining his or his wife's tarnished images.

In this time of war and danger, I am so grateful to have a President whom the soldiers salute - fully.

On "Special Report with Brit Hume", at the close of the show when they normally have some funny video clip, they showed President Bush and the First Lady on their way to Camp David for the weekend.  As the video starts, the First Lady is leading the way into the helicopter with the spaniel dog on the leash, and the president is right behind her with the Scotty on the leash.  As the First Lady entered the chopper, the Marine at the gangway saluted and held his salute.

The Scottie dog the president was walking decided it wanted to sit right when he got to the steps.  The President pulled on its leash, but the stubborn Scottie persisted in sitting.  The President bent down and scooped up the pooch and entered Marine One.   After he entered, the Marine cut his salute and returned to the position of attention.  Moments later the president reemerged from the helicopter and stepped out onto the steps.  The Marine was standing at attention, head and eyes straight ahead.   The President leaned over and tapped him on the left arm.  The startled Marine turned his body toward the President and received his returned salute!  I was so impressed by this true act of respect for our military people by our President!

He really does get it.  Most any other person of his stature would have just continued his journey, disregarding the neglected return salute.  Not George W. Bush.   He is earning the respect of the military community, not expecting it- as most have and would.  President George W. Bush.  The man who admitted to having a drinking problem in younger years, and whose happy-go-lucky lifestyle led him to mediocre grades in college and an ill-fated oil venture.  The same man whose mangled syntax, and whose speaking miss-steps became known as "Bush-isms."  He came within a hair's breadth of losing the election in November.

Bush named Jesus Christ as Lord of his life on public TV.  Not an oblique reference to being "born-again" or having a "life-change."  He actually said the un-PC-like phrase "Jesus Christ!"

On September 11,2001 he was thrust into a position only known by the likes of Roosevelt, Churchill, Lincoln and Washington.  The weight of the world was on his shoulders, and the responsibility of a generation was on his soul. President George W. Bush walked to his seat at the front of the National Cathedral just three days after two of the most impressive symbols of American capitalism and prosperity virtually evaporated.   When the history of this time is written, I hope it will acknowledge that President George W. Bush came of age in that cathedral and lifted a nation off its knees.  In what was one of the most impressive exhibitions of self-control in presidential history, President George W. Bush was able to deliver his remarks without losing his resolve, focus, or confidence.

When he returned to his seat, the elder George H. Bush reached over and took his son's hand. In that gesture his father seemed to say, "I wish I could do this for you son, but, I can't.  You have to do this on your own."

The son, President George W. Bush squeezed back and gave him a look that of peace that said, " I don't have to do it alone, Dad.  I've got help."

It's important for Americans to realize how valuable our support and prayers are.   Our president needs all religions, Democrats and Republicans alike, to be praying for him.  As this makes the e-mail rounds, eventually there could literally be millions of people praying for him and for our Great Country...

There isn't an "Easy Fix" to terrorism.  It WILL take time and patience.   AMERICANS and those who support our efforts need to stay focused on what really matters and not bicker with one another.

We need to think of the kind of world we want to leave to OUR CHILDREN.

God Bless, my friend - GOD BLESS!

03/15/2003  Thanks to Melvin

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, could you please move your dog, I need that seat.". The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said: "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people.   Can't you see my little FiFi needs that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

03/13/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.  Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.  France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ----Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.  True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq.  After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?  One.  He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

03/11/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"


Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:

1. The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.

2. When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. If you witness someone calling an Marine Staff Non Commissioned Officer: "Sir," stand back...a Marine will kick their ass.

6. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).

7. Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

8. Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9. What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.

We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief.

The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11. "Your Mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!

12. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know so I can go kick their ass.

13. Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie, Squid, etc. are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them & could get your ass kicked.

14. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day.Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

One last item, the members of Law Enforcement (Police Officers, Sheriffs, Troopers, Marshals) are the first line of defense in this great Nation. They lay it all on the line every day for your freedom too. They are the little cousins of the Military so treat them with respect and you have not earned the right to abuse them. Failure to show them respect may result in you getting your ass kicked.

God Bless America!

03/01/2003  Thanks to Clay

Q:  Why are French military advisers in Iraq?

A:  To teach the Iraqis the quickest ways to surrender.


Q:  What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air?

A:  The army.


Q:  Why are there no firework displays allowed for parties in French cities?

A:  Because firecracker noise causes the government to surrender to Germany.


A military historian asked a French W.W. II veteran why France capitulated so quickly to Germany.  Was it because of the Blitzkreig?  The incompetence of the generals?  Antiquated weapons?  The French vet shook his head and said "We had to surrender, the Germans were very mean."


An old American veteran traveled to Paris and came across a young Frenchman who started to argue with him about American foreign policy, economic practices and cultural imperialism.  The American and Frenchman could not agree or persuade the other to his position.  Finally the vet asked Frenchy "Do you speak German?"  He said "No".  The American replied "Your welcome".

02/26/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Subject:  London Daily Mirror

Surprise!  Surprise!  When one of the world's most liberal left wing newspapers writes a great article like this, there is hope for everyone.  A thoughtfully written piece in one of the most left wing newspapers in the UK.  Just a word of background for those of you who aren't familiar with the UK's Daily Mirror.   This is one of the most notorious left wing, anti-American dailies in the UK.   Hard to believe that the Daily Mirror actually published it, but it did.

ONE year ago, the world witnessed a unique kind of broadcasting -- the mass murder of thousands, live on television.  As a lesson in the pitiless cruelty of the human race, September 11 was up there with Pol Pot's Mountain of skulls in Cambodia, or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage in the Nazi concentration camps.  An unspeakable act so cruel, so calculated and so utterly merciless that surely the world could agree on one thing -- nobody deserves this fate.

Surely there could be consensus:  the victims were truly innocent, the perpetrators truly evil.  But to the world's eternal shame, 9/11 is increasingly seen as America's comeuppance (deserved reprimand or punishment).

Incredibly, anti-Americanism has increased over the last year.  There has always been a simmering resentment to the USA in this country -- too loud, too rich, too full of themselves and so much happier than Europeans - but it has become an epidemic.  And it seems incredible to me.  More than that, it turns my stomach.  America is this country's greatest friend and our most staunchest ally.  We are bonded to the US by culture, language and blood.

A little over half a century ago, around half a million Americans died for our freedoms, as well as their own.  Have we forgotten so soon?

And exactly a year ago, thousands of ordinary men, women, and children -- not just Americans, but from dozens of countries -- were butchered by a small group of religious fanatics.  Are we so quick to betray them?

What touched the heart about those who died in the twin towers and on the planes was that we recognized them.  Young fathers and mothers, somebody's son and somebody's daughter, husbands and wives.  And children.  Some unborn.

And these people brought it on themselves?  And their nation is to blame for their meticulously planned slaughter?  These days you don't have to be some dust-encrusted nut job in Kabul or Karachi or Finsbury Park to see America as the Great Satan.  The anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals to blame the Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower can do what it likes without having to ask permission.

The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11.   Remember, remember!  Remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men phoning their wives to say, "I love you," before they were burned alive.  Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers.  Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive.  Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the planes with her mum.

Remember, remember -- and realize that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the way it could have.

So, a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked up without a trial in Camp X-ray?  Pass the Kleenex.  So, some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their semiautomatics in a sky full of American planes?  A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti.

AMERICA could have turned a large chunk of the world into a parking lot.  That it didn't is a sign of strength.  American voices are already being raised against attacking Iraq - that's what a democracy is for.  How many in the Islamic world will have a minute's silence for the slaughtered innocents of 9/11?  How many Islamic leaders will have the guts to say that the mass murder of 9/11 was an abomination?

When the news of 9/11 broke on the West Bank, those freedom-loving Palestinians were dancing in the street.  America watched all of that -- and didn't push the button.   We should thank the stars that America is the most powerful nation in the world.   I still find it incredible that 9/11 did not provoke all-out war.  Not a "war on terrorism."  A real war.

The fundamentalist dudes are talking about "opening the gates of hell" if America attacks Iraq.  Well, America could have opened the gates of hell like you wouldn't believe.  The US is the most militarily powerful nation that ever strode the face of the Earth.  The campaign in Afghanistan may have been less than perfect and the planned war on Iraq may be misconceived.

But don't blame America for not bringing peace and light to these wretched countries.   How many democracies are there in the Middle East, or in the Muslim world?   You can count them on the fingers of one hand -- assuming you haven't had any chopped off for minor shoplifting.

I love America, yet America is hated.  I guess that makes me Bush's poodle.   But I would rather be a dog in New York City than a Prince in Riyadh.  Above all, America is hated because it is what every country wants to be -- rich, free, strong, open, optomistic.  Not ground down by the past, or religion, or some caste system.   America is the best friend this country ever had and we should start remembering that.

Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil?  Tell it to the loved ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers.  Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper.  And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire Department.  To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein.

Once we were told that Saddam gassed the Kurds, tortured his own people and set up rape-camps in Kuwait.  Now we are told he likes Quality Street.  Save me the orange center, oh mighty one!

Remember, remember, September 11.  One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America.  No, do more than remember.  Never, never forget!

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02/17/2003  Thanks to Jeff and Janet

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. -- Donald Rumsfeld

Some anonymous cyberwag actually took the time to compile a list. I wish I could attribute it to someone, but I did vet it and edited some comments.

Here it is:

How many divisions does it take to defend Paris? No one knows … it’s never been done.

Shortly after receiving this joke, I saw on Fox News the following joke (if I remember correctly, it was sent in by a Kansan).

        Q:  What do you call a Frenchman marching on Baghdad?

        A:  A salesman

02/12/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.  A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.  What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

The guy says, "Really?  What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?  Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

02/10/2003  Thanks to "Big Mouth"

Subject: Band of Brothers

 Tonight...say an extra prayer for these guys, all of them.


"Super Bowl battle is dwarfed by what band of brothers faces" by Bryan Burwell

St. Louis Post Dispatch


SAN DIEGO - It was just around midnight Tuesday night, and the outdoor courtyard at Dick's Last Resort was throbbing with the rowdy energy of a spring break bacchanal.   There was loud rock music blaring out of the stereo speakers, and the air was filled with the distinct and somewhat revolting aroma of deep-fried bar food, cigarette smoke and spilled beer.

Dick's is the sort of bar-restaurant ideally suited for Super Bowl week mischief, because it has a down-and-dirty roadhouse feel to it. The waiters, waitresses and bartenders are charmingly rude, and the wood floors are covered with sand and all sorts of indistinguishable debris.  The clientele on this evening is a fascinating mix of twenty-something college kids, thirty-something conventioneers and 40-something Super Bowl high-rollers.

Yet there was one table in Dick's courtyard Tuesday night that was noticeably different from the others.  There were six young men at the table and one young woman, and while they were drinking like everyone else in the room, there was something all too serious going on at this table that let you know that their thoughts were a long way from the mindless frivolity of Super Bowl week.  Maybe it was the close-cropped "barracks haircuts" that gave them away.  All the men's heads were cut in that familiar look of a professional soldier, skin-close on the sides, and on top a tight shock of hair that resembled new shoe-brush bristles.   "We're Marines," one man told me.  "And tomorrow we're boarding a ship for . . . well . . . I really can't tell you where, but you know."

Of course we knew.  In less than an hour, they would report back to a ship docked along the Southern California coast, then on Wednesday head across the Pacific Ocean, bound for a potential war in Iraq.  So this was no Super Bowl party for them.   This was their last night out on the town.  One Marine was saying good-bye to his wife.  The others were not so lucky.  They all just sat around the table, throwing back beers and wrestling with the sobering uncertainty of the rest of their lives. 

"We're going to war and none of us knows if we're ever coming back," said another Marine, a 28-year-old from Southern Illinois.  They all requested that I not use their names.  "Just tell 'em we're the men of (Marine Aviation Land Support Squad 39)," they said.  On Super Bowl Sunday, the men of MALSS 39 will be watching the game from the mess hall of their ship.  "That is, if we're lucky and the weather is good and it doesn't interfere with the satellite signal," said the Marine with the bald head and burnt-orange shirt.  "But I gotta tell you, I'm not that big a sports fan anymore.  It's going to be the first pro football game I've watched in . . . I can't even remember."

Why is that?

"Well, here's my problem with pro sports today," he said. "I don't care whether it's football, basketball or baseball.  Guys are complaining about making $6 million instead of $7 million, and what is their job?  Playing a damned game.   You know what I made last year?  I made $14,000.  They pay me $14,000, and you know what my job description is?  I'm paid to take a bullet."

When he said those words, it positively staggered me.

Fourteen thousand dollars to take a bullet.

Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of what a wonderful life I lead.  I am paid to write about sports and tell stories on radio and television about the games people play.  But sometimes, even in the midst of a grand sporting event, something happens to put the frivolity of sports into its proper perspective, and this was it.

Fourteen thousand dollars to take a bullet.

As I sit here writing from my hotel room, I can look out my balcony window and I see a Navy battleship cutting through the San Diego Bay, heading out to sea. I can see the sailors standing on the deck as the ship sails past Coronado Island, the San Diego Marina and the downtown Seaport Village, and I wonder if any of the men from MALSS 39 are aboard.

It was only 12 hours ago that I was sitting at the table with my guys, buying them beers, and listening to their soldier stories.  The Marine from Southern Illinois who sat to my right pointed to the bald Marine in the orange shirt who was seated to my left.   "You know, I don't even know this guy, can you believe that?  We just met a few hours ago when we came into Dick's.  Oh, I've seen him on the base, but I've never met him before tonight.  But here's what's so special about that man, and why I love that man.  He's my brother.  Semper Fi.  I know a guy back home, and he is my best friend.  I'm 28 years old and we've known each other all our lives.   But today, that friend is more of a stranger to me than that Marine sitting over there, who I've never met before tonight.  That's why they call it a Band of Brothers."

The little Marine in the orange shirt lifted his glass toward the Marine from Southern Illinois and nodded his head.  "That's right," he said.  "That's my brother over there, and I'm gonna take a bullet for him if I have to."

He said it with a calm and jolting certainty.  There was a moving, but chilling, pride in his words.

All around them, people were drinking, shouting and laughing.  The college kids and the conventioneers and NFL high-rollers were living the good, carefree life.   Across the street, a storefront that was vacant two weeks ago was now filled with $30 caps, $400 leather jackets, $40 mugs and $27 T-shirts with the fancy blue and yellow Super Bowl XXXVII logo embroidered on it.

From every end of the streets of downtown San Diego's fabled Gaslamp Quarter, Super Bowl revelers toasted the Raiders and the Bucanneers with grog-sized mugs filled with beers and rums.  But just around midnight in the middle of the courtyard of Dick's Last Resort, a far more deserving toast was going up to the men of MALSS 39.  We clicked our glasses together, and a few minutes later, they quietly slipped out the courtyard gates.

Suddenly, the Super Bowl didn't seem so important anymore.

God bless them all. They don't do it for the money. They do it for us.

No matter what your feelings about the future events that are unfolding, thank those that serve & protect us.

Please pray for our brothers and sisters serving our country and keep praying to bring them home safely.


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